Just what America needs, another talk show

Perhaps it was only so appropriate that Eva Longoria Parker was the first official guest on comedian George Lopez’ attempt at a talk show that gives a “Latino” sensibility to all of this country’s viewers.

At one point, Lopez directed Longoria to a “stripper” pole, which she was to use to bump and grind and give this country a sensual image straight out of our wildest fantasies.

WHAT DID SHE do?

She did a couple of twirls before giving up, while telling us the whole time that she “flunked” a course she took in pole dancing that was meant to help get her husband aroused at the sight of her.

In short, the image of Longoria whirling about with a big hard pole between her legs was nowhere near as erotic as the image those of us with dirty minds created in our heads. Reality didn’t live up to promise.

And in many ways, that is how I would assess the first “episode” of Lopez’ talk show, which followed the rigid format of all the other late-night talk shows.

LOPEZ DOES SOME standup comedy for a few minutes, followed by some rehearsed bits that are meant to be edgy, while also humorous.

Then, the second half of the hour-long show allowed two guests to be interviewed by Lopez, before a musician performed a couple of songs to finish off the program.

For the record, the guests were Longoria and Los Angeles Lakers basketball player Kobe Bryant, and aging guitar player Carlos Santana – who gave us a rendition of one of his earliest hits from some four decades ago (which itself was a cover of the old mambo classic “Oye Como Va”).

Not exactly scintillating television, even though I enjoy listening to Santana and can appreciate the concept of eye candy on television.

TO ME, THE concept of a talk show is to find an interviewer who can get his “guests” to say something interesting – in short, to do something more than merely plug their latest entertainment industry project.

Learning that Longoria has returned to college to take courses in Chicano Studies just didn’t do it for me, although I got a laugh from Lopez’ response that he was, “a Chicano who didn’t study.”

That didn’t happen Monday night. In fact, the bulk of the Bryant portion of the program was devoted to him explaining why he usually does not appear on talk shows.

He doesn’t have much to say. He’s a ballplayer. It is his life. It is what he does.

AFTER LISTENING TO him speak, I’m convinced he’s telling the truth.

Even Lopez’ attempts at “edgy” humor fell flat. He had a camera crew go out and ask people questions, then had people from his audience try to guess the answers. It was supposed to be a test of how much we stereotype people based on their appearance – particularly ethnic or racial factors.

Yet how much real humor can there be in hearing an Asian man insist he does NOT have a small penis? Even if he did, who outside of Howard Stern ever boasts of that fact? In short, Lopez’ take on “edgy” was one step up from a fart joke.

And yes, he told one of those as well – did you know that farting after eating Mexican food is a perfectly acceptable way of telling the cook how much you truly enjoyed “la comida?”

BUT THERE WERE a couple of moments that stick in my mind in a positive sense, one of which was at the very beginning when the camera crews panned out over the audience so that we television viewers could see that people of just about every racial or ethnic background in this country were present.

As Lopez stated it, THIS image is the America of the 21st Century.

And in this image, it probably only makes sense that a Latino gets a chance to make a third-rate talk show. It certainly wasn’t any more trite than some of the talk-show fare we see on television these days.

On a final note, let’s state for the record that the first person to be insulted by George Lopez as part of his talk show was one-time slugging pelotero Sammy Sosa.

LOPEZ JUST COULDN’T resist a chance to refer to Sosa’s recent skin treatment that, depending on the light, make it appear as though he is bleaching the color of his face.

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.

You have to admit that you were less ridiculous when you were behaving like a real-life Chico Escuela back in the days when you were hitting all those home runs while leading your Chicago Cubs teams to their annual 90-loss seasons.

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